Imprimer

Merci de vous connecter ou de vous inscrire.
1 heure 1 jour 1 semaine 1 mois Toujours
Connexion avec identifiant, mot de passe et durée de la session

[Dr Memory]

I wish to present for your pleasure Episode 14 of Mahoromatic -- New Beginnings, Growing Family

I am also including a single zip file with Episodes 1 to 13.

Thank you all for your comments this week.  It forced me to reread episodes 13 to 26, and keeping your comments in mind, I found several places where it was necessary to make revisions.  I am also thinking of rewriting almost all of one episode, not so much because of yoyr comments, but because I found some major content errors and time line inconsistencies.  I do try to manage the timeline of the story very carefully (I have about fifty pages of time line notes and calendars).

For those of you who have think that Mahoro is a little too ecchi, please bear with me.

I have received several comments from people here (and from FanFiction.Net, where I am also publish this story, although about five weeks behind what you are seeing here) that I should submit the story to Gainax.  I wish to thank you for your support.  If that is how you feel, please write to Gainax and tell them about my story.  Unsolicited submissions tend to go into the circular file (or bit bucket), depending on the media.

Thank you again for your comments and support.

[DrizzlingEnthalpy]

I was thinking of contacting Gainax once you were finished writing the whole thing. Well, I would if I knew Japanese. XD

I doubt if they continued the series it would go the same way as your story, though it would be great if they did. Instead I would think of submitting it more as an example of HOW it would be possible to continue the series and still keep it interesting after the ending they left us with.

*Starts reading episode 14*

[DrizzlingEnthalpy]

I just finished reading it. I have some suggestions:

-There are a lot of characters to keep track of. It would help if you described some more distinguishing features like hair color to make it easier. I've been able to keep up so far, it's just that I've been able to imagine most of the characters visually except for the new ones

-Uh... ... I had another one but I can't remember it. =( I'll edit my post later if it ever returns to my mind.

Overall, just as good as your other chapters. Great job and I look forward to next week's.

[[RafaL]AxelTerizaki]

Group scenes are very very difficult to write, that's why when I was writting fics, I was usually trying to keep these to a minimum. Like, 3 or 4 characters at once, and even then it was difficult to keep a balance of things

Also, I took a peek at chapter 14 (before reading anything else) and you should make sure punctuation is okay. Question marks are missing sometimes for example, it's a bit difficult to read this way. I suppose it's because this is just a draft

Being a fan of WAFFy stories, I still have to read the beginning of this, or rather, find some time to put it on my PDA or PSP for reading laters.

[DrizzlingEnthalpy]

I was thinking of a petition too, though they hardly ever work since anyone can easily post in a petition multiple times so many petitions easily get into the ten thousands with only a couple hundred really dedicated people.

But I'm sure they've acknowledged that they've gotten flak as well as praise about Mahoromatic's ending, I know they did about NGE (the difference being that the MAJORITY appears to feel that Mahoromatic's ending doesn't fit)


....Oh yeah, I remember that suggestion I was going to make now! It was about the action. It doesn't need to focus on it, it's just been 14 episodes with basically none and that was as long as the whole second season, I kind of expected it to pick up by now. Not a complaint, just a matter of style that Gainax/manga's writer would probably do differently.

[[RafaL]AxelTerizaki]

I doubt any petition would succeed, honestly. Fanworks are fanworks, and in order to make an anime out of a script you actually need lots of money. If the story only appeals to fans, it won't be worth a while.

There are multiple reasons why it wouldn't work, sadly. 

[Dr Memory]

Thank you ver much for your comments.  My usual proofreader has not been available, so I have been proofing them myself (silly thing to do).  He usually catches most of the spelling, punctualtion, grammer and timeline violations..  I went through episode 14 and found about sixteen things I needed to correct.  Thank you again.

I am not actually asking anyone to petition GAINAX.  I am perfectly happy writing this for my own satisfaction.  But a number of people have comment that I should submit it.  As I said, I know (at least in the US) what happens to unsolicited submissions.  My comment was simply to say that if you like it that much, let GAINAX know.  Enough said about that.

I had about equal number of references in my sources to 'Hokato' and 'Hokaze'.  I flipped a coin.  Hokato won.

You are right.  There has been a definite lack of action so far.  Little to challenge Mahoro's battle skills, but I think what she is facing at the moment is challenging her at a much deeper level.  Not the stuff typical Anime is made of, but I never said I was an Anume writer... Only a hopeless romantic.  Also note that the episodes are happening on a very compressed time schedule.  The timeline for my season three begins somewhere is June, with episode 26 ending on the first day of school after summer break.

I am resubmitting episode 14 with corrections made (at least for the errors I could find).

Again, thank you for your comments.

[[RafaL]AxelTerizaki]

I'm a sucker for romance and WAFFy, so I obviously like this, but I really doubt there would be enough people interested i nthis for a studio to develop this into an anime.

Besides, if Evangelion got another ending, it's many because the first one was due to lack of funds and a hurry in the production. Because the ending originally planned (the one we saw in the movies) was supposed to be episodes 25 and 26, the sponsors at that time didn't like it and asked for another ending, which Anno did...

I know Mahoro loves Suguru and vice-versa, but to many, Mahoro is seen s a "big sister" or the mother Suguru lost a long time ago (we see that he is quite affected by the loss of his parents, of course.)

I'm not saying that what you're writing is bad, quite the contrary, but I'd like to remind the other "face" of the Mahoro-Suguru relationship, in my opinion anyways

I'm with you, Dr. Memory. 6 years ago I was writing fanfics as well, for Evangelion, like crazy. Maybe some people here have actually read The Child of Love or some other of my works...

It reminds me I've never finished the Mahoro fanfic I started...

[[RafaL]AxelTerizaki]

At the end of season 1, I believe that Suguru actually defended Mahoro with the "she's my family" idea in mind. It didn't fall into romance before season 2 I guess.

Overall, when you look at it, except Season 1 ep 9, their relationship is fairly like a family. Minawa arrives later to take the "little sister" place

[Dr Memory]

Again, thank you for your commentary.

I present for your consideration Episode 15 of Mahoromatic -- New Beginnings, The Picnic.

I look forward to your continued comments

[DrizzlingEnthalpy]

I just finished reading it. I'd say it was one of your best in a while; it really felt in my mind like I was watching a good episode of the show.

One thing though: I always thought that the picnic scene that they say that they remember as if in a dream actually happened, and that the scenes that they were showing at *SPOILER* the season finales */SPOILER* were flashbacks.

I have been thinking for a few episodes about Mahoro supposedly living much longer than Suguru, but have also wondered, as Suguru has some Saint DNA in him, if he would have longevity closer to that of a Terran or a Saint. As his mother died in an accident and they never tested her, there really would be no way of knowing so far.

[Dr Memory]

That picnic never actually happened in season 1.  At least some of it was a vision sequence that occurred while Mahoro was fighting Ryuga.  And even the second season finally modifies it slightly.

I don't think Suguru (or Mahoro) have thought about that... yet.

[Dr Memory]

Here is this week's installment of Mahoromatic -- New Beginnings; Episode 16 -- The Heros Welcome.

I wish to report that my proofreader is back on line.   Even after I had gone over this episode several times, he still found about 10 errors of various kinds.

I welcome your comments as always.

[DrizzlingEnthalpy]

Just finished reading. Its quality is again no less than its predecessors. I do have a question though: When it says near the end when Suguru is giving his speech that he "waits for applause," does that mean that there is applause and he waits for it to be over, or he waits expecting it but it doesn't come?

[Dr Memory]

You are quite correct.  In both spots, it should read that Suguru is waiting for the applause that is occuring to stop.  Good catch.  I have updated my master file.  If you would like I will re-download the episode.

Thank you very much